GALS FROM EASTLANDS

Until a couple years ago, I didnt
pay much attention to persons of
out. from Eastlands. When i did, i
made a very interesting
observation. Most of these hot
persons of outyou see around
here comes from either Eastlands
or Kinoo. But those from the East,
majority of them beat themselves
and refuse to drink beer at
Magomano or any other rifa rodi
club. If the place they are
drinking does not have fancy
name like “The Lounge” they can
never step their foot there.
Some few days ago, Akuku
wanted to throw such a person
to me. The reason he wanted to
throw to me was because this
person of out had made him to
some things he has never
dreamed of doing. Although
Akuku only eats a person one
time, this was had refused to
disappear. After he eats,
tomorrow of that day, he refuse
to know the person. Even when
they call and say “Hi, ni Shiro’
Akuku replies “Shiro mgani?” If
she say “I was with you at Grace
villa bla bla bla” , he says
“Nikikukumbuka nitakupigia.
Grace villa nimekaa bila kwenda
uko lakini ” If the person has
head, she will never call again.
This particular one refused to go
because she knows where she
can get Akuku at any time of the
day.
When he was bringing me the
person, his idea was, i climb so
that he gets an excuse to throw
the person away.
After they sat down, i told him
that i know that person of out.
He laughed and refused to know
how i know all persons that he
comes with. Some few months
ago, he came with a person that
looked like sun and when he
heard that i know the person, he
refused to know and removed
from where we were drinking.
Later, i told him that i knew the
person way back when she was
selling beer at Tropez some few
years back.
I once wanted to climb her when
she was off duty. The reason i
wanted to climb her more was
that she was so hot and i was
because i wanted people to also
see that i can bring people that
looks like sun any time of the
day. Since no one will know that
she was written in bar, i made
sure that I showed up with her
where my pals were. I however
did not climb because she said
she only takes Johny Walker. I
bought half but when she
finished and wanted another
Yohana Mtembezi. I refused to
know who will buy. Before at her
place of work, i used to buy her
Redds, although i never used to
see her drink it. Maybe she used
to carry it home or give it to her
pals.
After she removed to go to
latrine, i asked Akuku “Urenda
kunjikeria iyo niki. Kai we
utarokia thiku ici” (Why do you
want to throw this one to me?)
He laughed small and told me
“Urauga atia. Injitire town handu
ati tukarie raji. Nyonire Menu
ndenda kura maitho. Irio cikuma
ngiri na matano. Bill ika no
ndugamirire nguku magomano
wiki ngi’ma wika” (What are you
saying. She called me somewhere
in town we eat lunch. When i
saw menu, my eyes almost got
lost. Food was 1500 a plate. What
i paid for that bill is enough to
stand for one week’s chicken bill
at Magomano.
In sadness, he then said “Sato
damimenya ri, tuathire nahaha
Kileleshwa kunyua tondu
ndendaga handu hega na ikene.
Na niyo yanjirire ati ni handu
hega. Bill ika ya njohi yokire ngiri
mugwanja, ta imajini” (Sato,
when i knewed her, we went to
Kileleshwa, a nice place because i
wanted her to be happy. She is
actually the one that took me
there. Bill of beer only came to
7k. Just imagine.
Waiting to hear how he ate the
person, i asked him if she was
yummy or was those that lie and
wait for you to pour “No nawe
murigo waigeirwo wega biu
ninjui”
He looked at me with more
sadder face, said “Ndoririe room
ni mbeca cigana, ngiruo ngiri
inyanya. Na to shuma yakwa
yahanaga mwaki ni gukio ri,
ndamiethaga ngamiaga to ya
hohire ikiingira nyee ine” (I
asked how much was room, they
said 8k. My tree, because it was
as hot as iron, i was looking for
it, until i failed to feel it because it
had shrinked until it entered
inside nyees).
To encourage me to be bitten
like him, he said “No gaka
nigathime. Nikahitukite
kigeranio. Kau ona makobosto
mangituria ndungihiuka bafu
guthambia shuma” (That one is
measured, even if makobosto
burst, you will not remove to run
to wash the josto”
The person, after coming from
latrine looked at me refused to
know where she had seen me
before. But because she was
with Akuku, she did not look like
she was taking me anything.
After small time, i asked the
person if she remembers me. She
said she cant really place me but i
looked kinda familiar. I told him
“Nirikuonaga ngara”
The person looked at me as if
almost to vomit. Almost vomiting,
she said “Mimi ngara? sijai enda
ngara”
Because i was so sure, i laughed
with heart but wanted to give
her a punch on her face. I
refused to know why she
thought ngara was rifa rori. I
then told her “Eeh mahali inaitwo
Karangi.Mlikuwa na wajamaa
wengine wa Capital fm”
Even after mentioning such a
famous place in ngara, she still
refused to acknowledge. I
insisted and insisted, until she
said “aaaa oooooooo.
Karaaangiiii. I was there with
Kabogo’s brother. Men, that man
has machine. 5.2 HSE and feels
nothing” I did not know why she
refused to agree that she was
with a group that i well know
but when somebody says that
the person they were with was
driving a 5.2 engine, your nyees
must shake.
This person reminded me of
another one i had met in Umoja.
Because i wanted her to come to
Ngara, i had to throw beans
small small. I told her i was in
Tom Mboya. After she reached
town, she called me when she
was around Nation centre. I told
her that Nation centre is in
Kimathi, unless she was talking
about old Nation. When she
reached Tom Mboya, i told her to
climb Matatu No. 6 and alight at
Fig tree because i was drinking
at Red carpet. The person called
and said she can only see no. 9.
We sumbuanad for like 30
minutes. When she finally came,
she telled me “Yani you cant tell
me to take a taxi?” I refused to
know because even as old as i
am, i have never taken a taxi to
Ngara. She pretended she does
not know the place. But after she
drinked small, she forgot and
told me “Hapa ngara
kunauzangwo clads poa. Every
Friday lazima nikam kutafuta
stuffs”.
After only staying small and
taking like 3 Redds, she told me
that she wanted to go. I refused
to know because we were to
climbana. She told me that i
wasted time for climbanaring by
taking beer and her latest time to
enter house was at 10. I refused
to know how you can take a
person to room just like that. To
enter room, you must be drunk
and i was only on my 4th beer.
Again, climabairng , to some of
us is different from that. It is we
drink until we refuse to know
ourselves..
Even after Akuku telling me that
he had thrown the person to me,
and me buying several
Kingfishers, i saw them start
entering each other. I took the
number and promised to call her
later for business.
Because Akuku had told Theuri
that he was throwing the person
to me, very early in the morning,
Theuri called me and asked
“Mutongoria niaraguikerie 100%
kana ni githemba kiria giake,
guikia na ndareherera
mithako?” (Did leader throw the
person to you 100% or it is his
type where he throws but he
does not remove from the game)
I told him that there are two
people i cant take persons from.
Theuri and Akuku.
I told him how Akuku was telling
me that she is measured. Before i
finished, he said “Thiku ici
tumathimaga kinya na sms.
Kalaini karia atoi ri, mundu a mu
smsaga muri o nake hau oo..
‘This is the lady from the VCT. I
hope you are still taking anti
retrovirals. Your viral load will
improve if you keep the
schedule”
He said that if she appears
shocked and starts to shake, she
has passed the test. If she calls
the number, she is does not
know herself but if makobosto
burst, run to the tap and wash
tree thoroughly with soap. If she
sms Ok. , buy her many beers and
leave her as soon as she starts
refusing to know herself.

In 1976,it happened that athletics were being held in Nairobi. A Kikuyu man happened to be one of the spectators but when he was asked to pay entrance fee of sh 10,he went away complaining he cant just lose his money only to see people running. After a short while he had people shouting "Keino"Keino""Keino"he turned back threw his 10 bob to the gate man went to the spectators and started asking in a high voice "Kîha"Kîha"